Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Packing Death

By Lachlan McCulloch

In an earlier blog, I made mention of the fact I read a book solely because the marvellous woman who recommeded it had earlier gifted me some wonderful oral sex.

Similar story here, but just like the Ennuit Mute in my previous post, there was no oral. But there was the lure of it.

See, I had a third date with Project Manager Who Can Do The Splits. Hmm. That nickname is too long. Spiltgirl? Nope, connotations. The Splits? Sounds like a Radiohead album. Miss Splits? Ah, there we go. So anyway, I had a third date with Miss Splits last Sunday night and we went out to a restaurant and afterwards she invited me back to her house for a coffee and I of course said yes. Anyway, we drank coffee and talked and talked and at 11pm, facing a two and a half hour drive to get home, I said, "Well, I better hit the road."

Miss Splits: What?
Perseus: It's a two and a half hour drive, so I should really get going.
Miss Splits: You're kidding?
Perseus Q: Umm...
Miss Splits: It's the third date!
Perseus Q: Umm... oh, I see, umm...
Miss Splits: Oh, whatever. Jesus.

So in a scramble to change the topic I started to rummage through a pile of books next to the couch. They were all true crime and I started babbling away about how the the whole Underbelly thing interested me because it was so Melbourne and all, and anyway, she hand-picked this one out and said, "Oh, you'll really like this one," and I was too much on the backfoot to disagree so I said, "Oh really?" and she urged me to take it and read it so I did.

So as much as I stuffed up the third date, in order to return the book a fourth date is almost a given. It is scheduled for next week.

Did I mention she can do the splits?

So anyway, the book is a true story written by the undercover cop who infiltrated the Pettingill family and because of his excellent work a fair few drug dealers copped massive sentences. There were plenty of 'wearing wires' scenes and bits where they suspected he was undercover but he managed to talk them around and, you know, a couple of scenes were gripping and all, but I read it in under 4 hours and I've already forgotten the author's name.

Good on him though. I'm glad there's people like him around. He's the real hero. Not some schmuck who gets stranded in an ice cave and waits patiently for someone to rescue him. This bloke is an actual hero. But a writer he ain't. What we need is for supercops like this bloke to tell the story, then get Brian Castro or Christos Tsoilkas to write the story or something.

Still, his matter-of-fact writing style means this book can be consumed in one sitting, and would make excellent company beside the pool / sea / sprinkler / fish pond on a summer afternoon.

I'm not marking it.


Andy Pants said...

The third date's the one where you bake muffins, right?

Perseus said...

Ah, so that's where I stuffed up! I was wondering why she had a sack of self-raising flour on the couch.

Cath said...

I insist on your fourth date that you "phone a friend" when you fear you are fucking it up.....

My phone is always on.

And sometimes, reading pap like this is good for the soul. Or something.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

When you said you were reviewing a book called Packing Death, I had assumed you were talking about The Costello Memoirs.

And fuckin' hell Pers. I always did the beast with two backs on the second date.

Perseus said...

Testing, testing.

Lewd Bob said...

Hmm. An undercover hero who can also write. I'm thinking Gogol, dressed as an office clerk, infiltrating the Tsar's office.

Nicholas I:
"Excuse me boy, why are you rifling through my desk drawers?"

"Er, I'm looking for a bucket of water?"

Nicholas I:
"Why, dear boy?"

"My manuscript's on fire."

Nicholas I:
"Oh, that explains the smell. I thought Mishka had burned the onions again."

Or Perhaps Dickens getting a gig as a butler at Windsor Castle.

Queen Victoria:
"And what's your name, you bearded fool?"

"Er, Billy Bottlepenny."

Queen Victoria:
"Why are you taking notes?"

"Er, I'm, um, taking your order!"

Queen Victoria:
"Ok. I'll have the duck."

Perseus said...

Bah. Writers don't have the gutsendermination to work as undercover cops. I was thinking that the cop does the work, then sits with the great writer.

Cop: So when I was wired up and in Trevor Pettingill's kitchen it was pretty scary. I was pakkin' me daks.

Hemingway: Let's see now. "The wire hung from me like a cheap whore. His eyes, a lion's eyes, pierced the ether and I trembled at the precipice of my death. Somewhere my mother was weeping."

Cop: Umm.

Hemingway: Don't worry Senior Detective. Some day the almond trees will rot and die and we'll all drown in absinthe.

Ramon - it's worse than you think, because the second date actually had a little bit of action. For the third date I regressed.

Cath - I'm not ringing you at 11.30pm to ask if I should make a move on a woman. I'd like to, but how would I explain it to the woman? "Excuse me, I'm not sure how to proceed so I'm going to call this chick I know for advice."

Cath said...

Clearly you are dating the wrong sort of women if they cant understand you need to outsource for advice....

Then again, why are you so retarded with women?

squib said...

I don't think you stuffed up the third date at all. If you'd assumed you were staying the night then she probably would have thought you were a presumptuous Lothario

The word 'packing' features a lot on the cover. This is not good

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

why are you so retarded with women?

I think we'd all like to know the answer to that one, Cath.

Pepsi said...

I'd be weary of anyone who follows the rules like that, 3rd date = sex.

Shouldnt it just be that if you fancy someone, you'd jump them regardless of the number of the date.

MCL recommends the shoulder massage approach. Me, I'd take the more direct route, hey boy I fancy you - get your kit off.

What book would she recommend next...

Perseus said...

Testing again.

Perseus said...

Pepsi - yeah like I'd take relationship advice from MCL.

I too take the direct approach more often than not, but that night, I really was enjoying the coversation and 'getting to know her' and stuff, because she's 31, single, likes footy, smokes cigarettes, drinks heaps of coffee, hardly drinks alcohol, wants to get married and have babies. In other words - my perfect woman. And she can do the splits. So, being that her 'profile' was perfect I wanted to make sure we could actually sustain a conversation and I wasn't too concerned about rooting.

Why am I so retarded? I claim I'm not. See, I like being single. I'm happy. I'm a happy person. So, I'm only going to get with someone if I'll be equally or more happy than what I am now. As such, I'm picky.

Squib - It weasn't as homo-erotic as you may have suspected / wished.

Melba said...

Perseus, I even love you over here too.

BTW if you are taking book recommendations from chicks, with or without oral, may I suggest Geek Love by Katherine Dunn. No, not GREEK love, GEEK love.

It's in my top 10.

Enough with the detective/comedy trite shite.

But if you like comedy, Sedaris?

squib said...

home-erotic? huh? I don't follow

Perseus said...

Packing - isn't that also a term used to describe a well-hung man's pants region?

I've read Geek Love. Meh.

Aside from melba, I also love Boogeyman because he got the 'recent comments on display' thing happening on the page.

Yay for Boogeyman.

squib said...

I don't know, is it?

Melba said...


I have to reconsider our love.

Perseus said...

Circus freaks = Meh.

Surely our love can transcend this though. We still have footy in common!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Boogeyman is indeed the duck's guts.

Melba said...

How do you know I'm not a "circus freak"?

That's pretty arrogant of you.

Hay, on footy: did you see the photoshopped pic of Mr Cousins in a Tigers jumper????? Somebody up high read your post about it.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Are you the bearded lady, melba?

You're the bearded lady, aren't you?

Melba said...

Just because I like a facially hirsute man does not mean I am the bearded lady.

But nice connection, Ramon.

tigerinatube said...

Pers - she likes footy right? Please tell me the Richo the Redeemer tshirt you bought off me has played some kind of role in this.

Perseus said...

The Richo shirt went to Maybe Melody of 'File Under Miscellaneous' fame... and yes, there were some rewards.

But Miss Splits is new in my life. Tiger, you may need to sit down for this: Umm. She barracks for Collingwood.

I know. I know. It's problematic, but I keep telling myself that it's better to hang out with a Collingwood supporter than someone who hates footy.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Collingwood supporter, eh

Maybe you should show her this

Andy Pants said...

"Packing Death" sounds like something you'd read on a factory accident report.

Melba said...

Perseus, it's a sign. My hubby, aka Clokes, is a Collingwood supporter. As I have said to people on occasion, it's his only flaw.

But this is an omen and means you are going to marry Splits and be very happy.

For I am the Soothsayer.

Also, you can tell me not to call her Splits if it's going to be a problem on your wedding night:

You: Ah, there's something I've got to tell you.

S: What honey, you can tell me anything.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...


Where's the Costello Memoirs?

Mad Cat Lady said...

is it okay to link to you on my blog? I've been recommending your bible reviews to my sisters.

Cath said...

Come on.. update... surely you have been reading like a demon while on a summer break???

Melba said...

Methinks the fourth date went well. We've lost him to Splits...

Perseus said...

MCL: Sure. The more the merrier.

Cath: Yes, There are five books I've finished and haven't reviewed, and I'll make a better effort this week now that I have a couple of days to myself. Fortunately (for me) there's been other things I;ve been doing like a demon that is not reading.

Melba: No, the fourth date involved me ending it with Miss Splits. It was never gonna work so I got out of there before it became too complex. She was a nice girl but I wasn't into it. But, you have the right idea, generally speaking - just the wrong girl. For the first time in many, many years I have been swept off my feet by a girl. I shall call her here 'Andromeda 4.0'. More details to come.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Ooh, a mystery!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Is it just me, or does it seem a bit quiet around here lately?

Melba said...

It's not just you, Ramon.

COME ON, PQ!!!!!!!!!!!!

We need feeding.

Aesophia said...

Oh my goodness! Perseus the Great has been swept off his feet! I am agog!

And yes, with the feeding and the bringing on of it! Please do so post haste :)

Perseus said...

I am still with Andromeda 3.4, but the relationship is hanging on by the barest of threads. It got off to a good start, then turned a bit bad, not because of her, but because of me. Vague? Oh yes. She seems to love me, this girl. She could do a lot better. Now my life is a mess. I have girl troubles up the ass (to quote an obscure Violent Femmes song). I also have more work to do than one man should ever have to do, and I'm six books behind on my blogging.

When I sort out my girl problems and work calms down, hopefully my blog will return to form.

Melba said...

Good luck with all that Persey. We are here for you, and I for one will be patient.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

"Girl Trouble".

Seventh song from Why Do Birds Sing.

If you ever want a shoulder to drunkenly cry on...